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Forgiveness Isn’t Access: Loving People Without Losing Yourself
Chiiiile, let’s talk about something that doesn’t get said enough — you can forgive someone, you can even reconcile with someone, and still choose to limit their access to you. Forgiveness doesn’t always mean reunion. It doesn’t always mean pulling them back into the most tender parts of your life. And hear me on this: just because you don’t give someone full access again, that doesn’t make you enemies.
I see this all the time as a coach. People wrestle with guilt when they start setting boundaries after hurt, especially when it’s blood, old friends, or people they once called family. We tell ourselves, “But if I’m healed, shouldn’t I let them all the way back in? Shouldn’t I be over it?” But baby, healing doesn’t mean you have to reopen the door you had to close for your own peace. You can love people — truly, deeply — and still know that their proximity to you has to change.
We’ve been fed this idea that healing means everything has to go back to how it used to be. That if you’ve really let it go, you should pick up like nothing ever happened. But let me tell you what I know for sure — forgiveness is about peace, not permission. You can love somebody deeply and still protect yourself. You can release the pain and still recognize, “I’m not safe around this energy.”
Reconciliation is about peace, not performance. It’s about clearing your spirit of resentment, not about proving anything to anyone. And sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is say, “I forgive you. I wish you well. And I will love you from a distance, because I know what my peace costs me.” That’s not bitterness; that’s wisdom. That’s not punishment; that’s protection.
Sometimes the real act of love is distance. Sometimes you can only grow if you stop forcing yourself to fold for people who keep wounding you. And no, keeping your distance doesn’t make y’all enemies. It means you’ve grown past the need to be close to everyone you’ve healed from. You can hold space for someone in your heart and know that they don’t belong in your inner circle anymore.
Here’s the hard truth: not everyone has the capacity, the willingness, or the desire to honor the version of you you’re growing into. And that’s okay. Letting go of access doesn’t have to be laced with drama. You don’t have to become enemies just because you’re no longer as close. You can love someone and still know you need space. You can wish someone well and still know you can’t keep handing them the most vulnerable parts of you.
Tonight, I want you to reflect honestly: Where in my life am I confusing forgiveness with full access? Where am I telling myself I’m “mean” or “wrong” for holding a boundary? What would it look like to practice love with wisdom, not just emotion?
Here is tonight’s journal prompt: Who in my life have I forgiven but am still struggling to set boundaries with? What scares me about holding that line? How can I remind myself that distance doesn’t mean hate — it can be an act of love for both of us?
Affirmation, love: I am allowed to forgive and still protect my peace. I can love without overextending. I can hold space for grace and still honor my boundaries. Distance does not make me cold; it makes me clear.
Let’s close this moment with prayer: God, give me the wisdom to know how to love well — with compassion, but also with clarity. Help me forgive fully, reconcile where You lead, and protect the peace You’ve entrusted to me. Remind me that boundaries are not walls of hate but gates of wisdom. Teach me to release guilt, walk in grace, and honor the sacredness of the heart You’ve given me. God, help me walk in discernment, not just sentiment. Teach me that forgiveness is freedom, not a pass for repeated harm. Strengthen my spirit to trust that loving from a distance is still love. And give me peace as I protect what You’re building in me.Amen.
With tender truth + unapologetic love,
Coach G
@ProvokeChange
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