“Why Do I Keep Going Back to Someone Who Clearly Don’t Want Me?”

Dear Chiiiile, Please —
I don’t even know how to say this without sounding pathetic, but here it goes. I keep going back to someone who shows me over and over again that they don’t really want me.

They don’t commit. They disappear. They give me just enough to keep me hopeful, then pull back when I start expecting more. Every time I say I’m done, I somehow end up right back here — answering the call, responding to the text, convincing myself that this time might be different.

I know I deserve better. I know I’m settling. But something in me is scared to let go.

Why do I keep choosing someone who won’t choose me?

— Stuck on Stupid (and Tired)

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🙄 Chiiiile, Please…

Chiiiile… come sit next to me for a second. Let me hold your hand when I say this — if you have to chase it, beg for it, or convince someone to show up… it ain’t love. It’s labor. This ain’t about you being weak — this is about you being conditioned.

Nobody wakes up one day and says, “You know what I feel like doing? Choosing somebody who doesn’t choose me.”
This is learned behavior. This is muscle memory. This is survival dressed up as hope.

You keep going back because at some point in your life, love showed up inconsistent.
It showed up hot and cold.
It showed up with conditions.
It showed up when you behaved right, stayed quiet, stayed small, or stayed patient.

So now, consistency feels boring and distance feels familiar.

And whew… that’s not a personal failure — that’s a pattern.

Let’s talk about the real addiction here.
It’s not them.
It’s the moment they come back.

That text.
That “I miss you.”
That one good day after weeks of silence.

And baby, you are overqualified for emotional overtime.

You’re not crazy. You’re not weak. You’re not “too much.”
You’re attached to potential, addicted to hope, and stuck in a cycle where inconsistency feels familiar.

And whew… that’s not a personal failure — that’s a pattern.

Let’s talk about the real addiction here.
It’s not them.
It’s the moment they come back.

That text.
That “I miss you.”
That one good day after weeks of silence.

our nervous system lights up because it finally gets relief. Not love — relief. And relief can feel like intimacy when you’ve been emotionally starving.

Chiiiile, you are not chasing a person —
you are chasing the version of yourself that feels chosen when they show up.

And that’s why walking away feels terrifying.

Because if you leave, there’s no more waiting.
No more hoping.
No more “maybe this time.”

Let me say the quiet part out loud:

They’re not confused. They’re comfortable.
Comfortable knowing you’ll stay. Comfortable knowing you’ll accept crumbs. Comfortable knowing they don’t have to change because you keep adjusting.

Chiiiile… if someone wanted to choose you, you wouldn’t have to keep reminding them you exist.

And then you’re left with the hardest question of all:
Why did I accept this for so long?

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✨ The Empowerment Moment

Here’s what nobody tells you when you’re stuck in this loop:

You’re not in love with them — you’re in love with the idea of finally being chosen.

Sometimes we cling to people not because they’re good for us, but because walking away would force us to confront the deeper wound:
“Why do I believe this is all I deserve?”

That fear you feel when you think about letting go?
That’s not love leaving — that’s your attachment being challenged.

And listen closely:

Someone who is meant for you will not require you to abandon yourself to keep them.

You don’t have to audition for commitment.
You don’t have to water yourself down to be digestible.
You don’t have to accept inconsistency as chemistry.

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🪞 The Mirror — For the Reader

Let’s get honest for a second.

Are you staying because you truly feel loved —
or because leaving would mean sitting alone with yourself long enough to heal?

Because healing requires solitude before it brings connection.

✍🏾 Journal Prompts:

1. What do I keep hoping they’ll become — and what have they actually shown me?
2. What need am I trying to meet through this person that I haven’t learned to meet myself?
3. If I fully believed I was worthy of consistent love, what would I do differently?

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🙏🏾 A Prayer for the Ones Letting Go of the Bare Minimum

God, give me the strength to release what no longer chooses me.
Heal the parts of me that confuse attention with affection and struggle with love.
Teach me that waiting on someone to see my worth is not humility — it’s self-abandonment.
Help me walk away with grace, not bitterness.
And remind me that what’s meant for me will meet me with clarity, not confusion.
Amen.

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🎙️ Podcast Extension

On this episode of Talk and Toast, we’re talking about:

• Why we confuse inconsistency with passion
• Trauma bonds vs. real love
• How to break the cycle of choosing emotionally unavailable people
• And what it really means to raise your standards without hardening your heart

This one’s for anybody who’s been loving with hope instead of evidence.

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💌 Write to Chiiiile, Please

If this letter felt personal… it probably was.
And if you’ve got something sitting heavy on your chest — write me. Send the letter to coachchanelg@echoesofherheart.com

Anonymous. Unfiltered. Honest.

We don’t shame over here.
We heal. We learn. We choose better.
Out loud.