Chiiiile, Please!

Chiiiile let me tell you all how I had this aaaah ha moment the other day. I had to sit with it and truly reflect over situations that happened in my life because of my actions. Baby, I was a force to be reckoned with as a teen and young adult. I said whatever, I did whatever- well not whatever, I did have some limitations, but if it was something I wanted to do I did it. All of it was from the extension of feelings. I was rebellious at its finest. And not that I am shining a light on being rebellious as a good thing in all situations, but to shed light on who I used to be. As an adult I have recognized that when your emotions are high, your logic is low. So here is what gave me the ahh haa moment. I am still reading “The Garden Within” and the author writes about how your feelings ignite your thoughts and your thoughts ignite your actions.

I am sure you are wondering why did that give me the aah haa moment. Well let me enlighten you because chiiiile I surely had a light bulb go off for me. It gave me that moment because I for so long have tried to change my thoughts to change my heart and stop doing some of the things that I was doing that was destructive. I would always fall back into the construct of destructive behavior and thinking. I couldn’t ever tell you why, however I now understand it from a completely different place. My destructive behavior was to hurt others the way that I was hurting, but it only hurt me in the end. I carried a lot of hurt feelings because of things said or done to me that I didn’t have the tools to navigate through. I also didn’t have the language to speak to what I was feeling or experiencing through my body because of the hurt.

I remember at 18 I moved out of my mom’s house to live with this guy that I was dating. BIG MISTAKE!! While I was thinking I was being grown and I had life figured out, my feelings caused a flood of thoughts that I would show my Mom how grown I was and I had it figured out. Welp I didn’t! He was older than me and he knew that I was able to be easily influenced. From the moment I arrived, all hell broke loose. I was abused verbally and physically, manipulated, controlled, and isolated. There was a time that I thought to myself that this was all I deserved. He took full advantage of my vulnerability and my naivety. Even in that space I heard my mother’s voice in my head of how I was making a bad decision and that I would come to see that. Long story short I eventually left, but I didn’t leave unscathed. I had some deep seated trauma from that time and had no idea how to process it. I was too ashamed to tell my parents and I don’t believe that at the time my parents had the language nor the capacity to help me process. Hell they were learning how to parent this rebellious 18 year old as I was learning about life.

This is just a small part of why I had the destructive behavior, however I am sure that many women can attest to having had a feeling that triggered a thought that triggered an action. Whether those feelings stemmed from being bullied in school, to have a broken heart, divorce of your parents, or what trauma you have experienced; you have had climb your way out of it. I know some are wondering how in the hell did she even get to that place of allowing this jackass to destroy her like this. Well lets just say that I didn’t see healthy relationships growing up. While I knew this was wrong something in me said that I could fight through this, the way I saw other women doing it. Well honey let me tell that was a lie! My body, my mind, and my heart was such in conflict for a while until the switch clicked on and my heart became in alignment with my mind and again I got the hell out of dodge. In that moment I should have definitely sought help, but I didn’t. What the hell did I know at 18? I just kept going on only suppressing those feelings and just adding to the long laundry list of shit that happened. I was a train wreck waiting to explode.

How many of you have ever heard someone say, just change your mindset or the way you think and it will begin to get better. Well I am saying that is a load of shit! No matter how many times I did that it didn’t work out because I wasn’t dealing with the core of the issues. My Heart! My heart, your heart is the core of our lives. It is the place where all of your feelings, emotions rest. Proverbs 4:23 says to guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life. Reading that my feeling triggered my thoughts and thoughts triggered my actions gave a clearer understanding to this scripture.

If ever I truly believed that therapy helps, I believe it now. I have attended therapy and it has been very clear that I was carrying residual feelings around that had been stunting my growth and forward movement. I now have the language to name it, have the language to process it alongside the tools, and a clearer mind. How many of you can truly relate to this? How many of you can be honest enough with yourself to see how your actions have hurt you and others? Growth isn’t just about healing, it about having the language to honor others, how you have hurt them and having enough adult humility to own it and apologize. It isn’t easy nor is it going to give you access back into people lives, but it does allow you to release those feelings of guilt, shame, despair or whatever feeling you maybe carrying. It does allow you to see people from a different set of lenses and understand that others to operate from hurt places and may not even have a clue that old wounds, past traumas are a direct link to their current behavior. It gives way to cultivate a space of forgiveness so that you can be free from the burden of those feelings. It also doesn’t mean that they have access back in your life.

We have to be careful of operating through our feelings without a clear path. We have to be careful of acting out our thoughts because they can lead to destructive behavior. We have to be vigilant of guarding our hearts without building walls and blocks. We have to use discernment, wisdom from the lessons learned, and be very clear about our intentionality. Sarah Jakes Roberts mentioned on the Mel Robbins Podcast about opening up the cabinets of who you are, using what ingredients you have to build up the new version of yourself. Don’t try to become someone new without honoring where you have been, honoring who you are, the lessons you have learned, the decisions you have made because if you choose to leave those things behind you will only be a fake version of yourself that wont be able to keep up because it isn’t the authentic you.

For example I was a teen mom. I had my oldest daughter at 19, a freshman in college, headed no where. I thought that I was now a failure because my grandfather wouldn’t talk to me, my family was disgusted by decision making, and I was a baby having a baby. I carried that with me for quite some time. Now at 42 (40 days from my 43rd bday…woohoo) I am blossoming into this beautiful woman who has a story to share with the world that may resonate with someone who is feeling alone in a space that he/she is not alone in. However, if I don’t honor my journey, how can I be true to what I am sharing here. I would just be a text book writer with no real substance. Shiiiit I own me and all of it.

Own you, all of it. Every good, bad or indifferent part of you! Own the beauty, the ugly! Own your power by being real with yourself about who you are and change what you don’t like starting with your heart.

Until next time…… -Coach G